Faithfulness Today
This topic was something I had a hard time relating to for most of my life so far. I've never had trouble sleeping. My head hit the pillow and I was out. Cold. Till morning. Stress wasn't really in my vocabulary, and worry? That was for other people to worry about.
Then I got older. My kids got older. Not all their problems could be solved with a timely nap and a bottle of milk. I started seeing the bigger picture of my life- "Where is it going? Am I preparing my kids well for life? Am I ever going to feel truly fulfilled- emotionally, creatively, vocationally- in the life I've been called to? Will I ever feel like I've done enough at the end of a day, or a week, or my life? Should I be eating more whole grains? What exactly are whole grains???"
If you've ever headed down this path, you know this is your brain on 4 a.m. And it's crazy. Large problems and ridiculous minutia crowd every crevice of your thoughts so that the noise becomes too loud to sleep.
If we allow it, we can be pulled in a million directions in today's image obsessed culture. Perfect house, perfect marriage, perfect kids, perfect body, perfect friendships, perfect wardrobe, perfect diet, perfect chore and school schedules. There's a pinterest board for everything and my life doesn't really look like any of them when I'm totally honest. And sometimes "honesty" attacks at 4 a.m.
I either toss and turn until the alarm goes off, or I give up, and get up, and figure if I could just start tackling this life of mine 3 hours before anyone else wakes up, maybe I'll get a handle on it and feel like it's all totally fine. Yes, I'm feeling better already, if I can just get going. Pull out the day planner, send a few emails (Will they notice this was sent at 4:06 a.m. . . .hope not), write myself a killer to-do list, throw in a load of laundry. But somehow it leaves me just tired, and little cranky. . . and still worried.
So after what feels like forever of just trying harder, I kind of lost it. Blubbering to Zac I cried, "I just can't do it anymore! And I don't want to. And I need a different answer because my days are slipping away while I worry about whole grains!"
Now, I know each of us wonderful, beautiful women is a different cocktail of experiences and emotions and things that drive us. And some are bigger "feelers" or "thinkers". But I think we can all relate to not feeling like "enough" a lot of the time. It's the devil's special tool to quietly break us down and make us ineffective, or even destructive, in the highly affective role we play. ("If Momma ain't happy. . . .")
Stasi Eldredge relieved some of my insanity when I read in her book Captivating, "I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I've ever met feels it- something deeper than just the sense of failing at whats she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women."
God gives grace at just the right time. It's amazing, whenever I come to place of humility and know the only help is in the Lord, He never leaves me hanging. (Why is that still so easy to forget?)
I keep reminding myself of two things from pastor Josh Martin:
Faithfulness today relieves anxiety for tomorrow.
and
Turn worry into worship.
"Emotions are gauges, not guides. They should indicate something that is going on inside of us but they should not dictate what we must do."
He goes on to say, self help books tell you to envision a better future, to live toward positivity and fix OUT THERE. But nothing out there will make it better. Fix what's inside. The Bible says to go into the depths of your heart and talk to God about the fears and lies you are hearing. When you feel that tightness in your chest, when anxiety wants to take hold, remember what it means. This feeling of anxiety is a kind and gracious smoke signal from God. When an idol is starting to collapse in your heart, it sends up smoke signals. This emotion is a gauge telling you, you are finding security in something other than God's provision and it's going to fail you. It's failing you already. It's why you feel so awful and wrong and worried when you should be sleeping safe and sound.
"In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat-- for he grants sleep to those he loves." (Psalm 127:2)
Getting up at the flaming butt crack of dawn is not going to make it better. Staying up until midnight is not going to make it better. Checking everything off your to do list and then writing tomorrow's and doing it a day early is not going to make it better.
Don't try harder. Fall harder. Fall at Christ's feet. Turn your worry into worship. Stop thinking about everything that could go wrong, or that you might not do well enough. Stop thinking you need a better calendar-event-coordination system/ financial planning attack plan/ etc etc. Stop. Now fill your mind with worship. Dwell on the gigantic, incredible, overwhelming, all encompassing, kind, and loving ways of God. Through history, through your own life. He has always existed. He has created everything, given you everything, right down to giving Himself so you can one day enjoy Him and everything good without one spot of sin or sadness, forever. He has made a path to the perfect life. The good news, on top of that good news, is that you can go ahead and start enjoying Him right now. Feed on His faithfulness and become faithful. It is the only remedy for worry.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)
